PARENTING: some of the dangers of overprotective parenting

Parenting is a skill that comes with years and years of learning. No matter how experienced we are, the day comes when we find ourselves in a situation which we are uncertain how to handle. There are many areas in which we fail in our attempts to bring happiness to our children no matter how hard we try and how much we love them.Over-protectiveness is one area which causes conflict between parents and teenagers and if this problem is not acknowledged and dealt with the outcomes may be disastrous.

Teenagers do not appreciate parents loving them so much that they won’t cut them loose.

It is true that we may love our children so much that we wish they never had to face danger or see the harsher side of life. We want to protect them from all the hardships that we encountered in our own lives; we would shelter them forever if that were possible.

The truth is that teenagers want to be parented in terms of having their needs met; they want parents to provide a regular allowance, useful gadgets like cell phones, iPods , computers and the keys to the car if there is one. They want us to do their laundry, have breakfast ready when they awake and their lunch bags packed and ready for them. They do not mind our displays of affection when their friends are not present and may even invite our comments on their dressing under given circumstances.

However, on no account do teens want to be told that they can’t hang out with their friends, at the places where they wish to, and at the times that their friends are doing the same. Our fears for their welfare only annoy them and cause them to become angry and resentful. They do not think that our decisions and actions come out of our love for them and our desire to protect them. Rather, they believe that we are simply using our power to tie them down. They feel that as teens they are old enough to make decisions regarding their safety and well being.

Parenting is a skill: it involves setting standards and understanding when they need to be adjusted

Indeed, parents need to set standards to which their children must conform. However, it is imperative that rules be adjusted to suit the circumstances. That is to say that certain rules apply at certain ages/levels of maturity and as children demonstrate an increased sense of responsibility and maturity , parents should kick in with a corresponding adjustment of rules. This can certainly be achieved without compromising standards.

Consistency is one of the pillars of successful parenting, nonetheless, flexibility can be a major determining factor in the nature of the relationship which exists between parents and their teens. There must always ,therefore, be a reasonable balance between the two.

Some pitfalls of over protective parenting

There are some distinctly negative outcomes associated with over- protectiveness. Among these are conflicts, rebelliousness and alienation. Teens may also run away from homes which they consider to be suffocating and prisonlike. In extreme situations, lasting rifts between parents and teens may occur.

Some teens remain outwardly tractable and contented in overprotective home environments. This can produce very negative results over time, for the psychological damage caused by failure to react to overprotection from parents may affect them throughout their lives. In some cases their built up resentment only comes out when, on the first opportunity, for example when they go away to college, they flip and go completely overboard. Years of discontent and frustration spill out into really negative behaviors such as involvement in drugs, alcohol, sex and anything else which, they believe, will broadcast to the world that they are adult, they are free, they can be part of the crowd. It is as if they feel an overpowering need to catch up on all the fun which they had missed out on.

This can be a traumatic experience for the unsuspecting parents who were hitherto certain that all was well with their method of parenting and that their teen was mature, responsible and well behaved. This means that as parents we need to love our children without stifling them. We need to understand them well enough to know the degree to which we should loosen up as they grow older . We should be discerning enough to know when to hold on and when to let go.

This is not to say that parents should allow themselves to be dictated to by their teens. Certainly, we have to operate within the parameters of good judgment and within the dictates of our conscience. This means that situations will come about when it becomes extremely difficult to arrive at a decision that is mutually agreeable. In such situations it helps when there is an open line of communication between both parties so that each knows where the other is coming from even if they do not agree. Communication should take the form of face to face, calm, level headed discussion rather than notes , messages or shouting matches.

As human beings we have a way of looking at life in retrospect and we remember occasions when our parents were extremely strict and unrelenting. Very often we recognize that these were the situations which molded us into the strong persons that we are today. On the other hand, we never forget the bad moments which left scars that we will carry with us to the grave. As parents, we need to leave with our children, memories of their childhood that impacted positively on them and make very effort to avoid providing them with everlasting scars and hearts full of resentment and unforgiveness.

Good parenting is a learning process

No one is born with all the skills of a good parent. Good parenting comes with years and years of experience. As children grow physically, so too parents grow in knowledge and understanding of what good parenting involves. The hallmark of good parenting is the ability to recognize that while it is the responsibility of parents to guide and nurture their children, they should not lose them through over-protective behavior.